You're at the top of my lungs

I stood in front of my mirror at home. It was dark outside, nearly midnight, and my parents sleeping. The bathroom light was the only light on in the house.

I stood in front of the full length mirror, but I was staring at my feet, avoiding the girl in the mirror. I was mad at her, and was putting off having to see her for as long as possible.

I let my gaze drift upwards to where the mirror started. An inch of my stomach was visible between my shorts and my tank top. I turned to the side, still gazing in to the mirror, to see my profile. I've lost weight, about 15 pounds since I started hgih school last year. But it was not good enough. No, it would not due. I am going to have to try harder.

My eyes slowly drift up to my chest, and I let my gaze keep rising upwards until I am staring at my chin. I let my eyes graze my lips, nose, cheeks.

I stop at the bags under my eyes, something I had usually covered up with make up, but had washed off after dinner when I went to have a shower. My gaze slowly travels upward, until I am staring at the blue colour of my eyes. I try to make my gaze, force my gaze, to travel upwards and stare directly in to my own pupils, directly in to the black hollowness, but I cannot do it. When I try, when I am about to hit the rim of the black, my gaze rebounds and hits the floor again.

I step away from the mirror and turn off the light. I slowly walk to my bedroom, being careful with each step, and I lay in my bed, pulling the blanket high over my head and burying my face in the pillow. I do not look back at the girl in the mirror.

Not once. I do not know if I will be able to do so ever again.

Title Credit to Taylor Swift's "Tied Together With A Smile"

Today was one of those gross days where it starts out sunny and then somewhere around lunchtime it starts raining, but no one notices because they're locked inside a classroom.

But that's okay. Today was my last day of school. I just have to go on Friday and Monday for a couple hours for my math and science exams. But TECHNICALLY, schools out.

I'm in a rare happy-go-lucky mood right now. I'm usually cheerful, but right now I feel infectious, like if you come too close you'll catch my happiness or something as odd as that.

Because today, I kissed him in the rain.

This is a subject I've touched upon before, but I think I'm afraid of being in love.
The only reason I'm afraid though, is because for the first time ever I think I am. Whenever I feel self-concious or mad or angry or just plain moody, my boyfriend always seems to know the right things to say to make me smile.
But it's not like we agree on anything. Ever. We're not happy unless we're arguing, making fun of each other, or making fun of someone else. We're both geeks, and he's the most awkward person I know.
Today, he said the sweetest thing ever to me, and I wanted to tell him, but I didn't. I think it's because I really do love him. And if I don't love him yet, I think I could.

I wrote this in science class for my friend Daani Bee. She's going to rehab this summer, so I'm making this into a book for her to take. I like it, so I thought I'd share it with you guys.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twas yesterday, maybe eons before; there was a small city of potheads galore

And out on the rooftops resounded a geeh, originating from young Daani Bee.

She watched the green slumps, the blue neighbourhood humps

And thought ‘Maybe I’ll give it a see.’

For her boyfriend and buddies were into this trend; Daani herself would not try to pretend. She was curious of this small burning substance that littered her town with malicious abundance.

So she paid her co-worker, one back alley lurker

And instead of one hit tried three.

Then pretty pictures started sprawling, and the heeks started crawling.

It was cool save staring, so Daani Bee stopped all caring.

Climbed onto the roof, a girl quite aloof

Close to jumping right into the sea.

Undeterred she kept trying, new drugs whilst still buying.

Came problems quite fast, pleasure did not last.

So Daani bought more goodies from dealers hiding behind hoodies.

Varieties like speed, consistent like weed,

She bought new shit like LSD.

As her problems started piling, deeper and deeper, Daani thought to herself "I think cigs are a keeper.

I can have a little puff when no one will huff.

They calm me and they seem really cool."

But Daani didn’t know she was playing the fool.

For cigarettes are deadly, which was something she was taught.

She learnt it long ago with other things to be thought.

Yet she threw it away so she could spend all her days

Smoking bought with those that lived with this craze.

Since she thought it was harmless and fun, she confessed to her friends under the summer sun.

"Now it’s not a big deal, but I’ve been smoking at work."

But instead of joining, her friends went berserk!

"Why would you smoke?" asked a shocked Molotov. "Don’t you know that it’s not a joke?"

"But like I said, it’s not a big deal," chimed young Daani Bee, "Please don’t fret, or I’ll surely keel."

"But that’s where you’re wrong, young Daani Bee," peeped a friend Diamond. "You’re not just hurting you, you’re hurting us three!"

"That’s right!" cried Molotov, "We love you so much, the thought of you smoking makes my brain crunch!"

So Diamond and Molotov did what any friends would do, and I’m sure it’s the choice you would pick too.

They wrote her notes for support, filling yellow papers with love. The words flowed so easily they seemed sent from above.

When Daani discovered them she cried out with glee. Her next words were inspirational, for you and for me.

"Oh my friends, my dear sweet friends,

Crazy till the very end,

Thank you for my yellow notes,

I promise I’ll try not to smoke.

I won’t pay Kevin any money,

I won’t laugh when things aren’t funny.

I won’t inhale then start to hack.

I won’t smoke pot, meth, cigs, or crack!"

It wouldn’t be easy to quit, this she knew,

But armed with her notes it didn’t seem impossible to do.

She ignored Kevin and her breathing grew easier.

And to those around her, she became quite the pleaser. When times got hard and she was craving a smoke, she stuck to her notes and managed to float.

Love was her drug, she laughed and she hugged. Smiles replaced her twitch,

And I think we can agree, it was a worthy switch.

So let this be a lesson to those young and those sly:

Smoking can kill, and we dare not lie.

It started with a handgun, loaded with excuses.

I have just had one of the best weekends in one of the most beautiful places I've been to in what seems like forever. I just got back from Circle Square Ranch, which is a riding camp. I'm not much of a horse person, but it was one of those things where you didn't really need to know what you were doing. Which is good, considering I didn't.

On Friday night my friends Alanda, Brittany 1, Brittany 2, Jessie, Sam and I arrived at about 6:30. We dropped our stuff off at this covered wagon we were going to be sleeping in. After that, we headed down to the barn, where we got horses and met this worker Curtis, who was taking us on our trail ride. My horse's name was Flash. She was a real sweetie. She was a really light beige, with caramel spots all over her. She was nice to me, which is more than I can say for some of the other horses. My friend Jessie's horse bit her after the ride, and her hand was purple the whole weekend.

After our trail ride we went and slept in our wagon, which actually is as weird as it sounds. There were bunk beds inside of it though. There's a picture of one of them hiding inside of my main album, if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

When we woke up, I went out and took some more pictures. I'm going to be posting them all through the week because I have about a million and seven. I rolled down quite a few dandilion-infested hills with my equally hyper friends, so I was literally yellow when I was done.

After that, we went rock climbing. I failed, considering my fear of heights. I got to the top of the easy one twice, but I could only get halfway up on the harder one. I guess that's okay, depending on which way you look at it. My shoulders still hurt from it though. Oh well.

After that, we went to archery. This guy named Richard was teaching us. It was funny. When we had to leave because our session was over and a new group was coming, I got up to leave and he was all "NO! STAY! *cough cough* I mean, er, if you want to." It was cute, and it made me smile. So I stayed, and we talked for another couple hours.

After a while of digging, I found this little diddy scribbled on a used napkin. It is clearly written by Benji Madden. After all, he is emo.
*Clears throat* Ahem.

"Hold the spotlight steady
We wouldn't want your cakeface to run.
It's taken you hours to get ready
After two months in Paris, we've only just begun!

Take me to a place where stars are blind
So I can be with you forever
If your kis could kill
I'd die a thougsand times for another
(Or maybe give up eyeliner)

Because without you there's no runways
Nor a cheesy movie about wax.
Cupid shot me hard this time
I'm lovestruck by your smile
You're my medication (I'd have to be crazy)
If only dreams lasted for three months in Paris."

I have way too much time on my hands.
Liz
xoxoxoxoxoxoox

No, seriously. I'm acutally just writing this because I want to get my thoughts sorted out and organized, and it seems more real this way. This won't be funny, and it won't be entertaining. As a complete warning, stop reading this.

So, I'm wondering if I have skin cancer. It's unlikely, but still a lingering possibility in the back of my mind. I have a collection of these dark, red spots on my skin, all in one place. They're about a 1/4 inch long each, and there are a bunch of them, but all in the same place. I've had them since the summer, and it seems like there's more now. I'm probably just messed up, but who knows?

As a teenager, I doubt that I have it. Hell, it's probably just something normal with my skin. But I'm also one of those completely and overly paranoid people who will take a theory and twist it into the worst thing imaginable, and freak about it until I'm proven wrong.

I'm going to try make an appointment at the dermotologist soon. And I definately need to learn how to spell.

Love Liz
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox

This weekend has been completely amazing. Today was almost as good as yesterday. I've spent the better part of the past 48 hours outside, and it makes me feel wonderful. Today I took my dog for a walk, taking pictures along the way. That lasted about an hour before she got tired and we had to go home. After I ate lunch (I ATE LUNCH! Well, almost. I had an apple, which counts. But ANYWAY,) I went back outside again, still with my camera. I've taken a billion and three pictures, but I don't want to post them all yet. I'd want to make them last through the week, incase I don't get a chance to go out again. I have two up already, and I might consider posting a few more if anybody wants to see them.

Surprisingly, I didn't touch any pot today. Being 4-20, I was invited to a bunch of places just to smoke. I didn't, and I feel like I spent my time better than I would have if I had gone. You can't get how high I'm feeling with any other drug but sunshine.

It makes me a little sad to think of having to go back to school tomorrow, but not enough to bring my mood down even a tiny bit. I'll still get to see my boyfriend and my friends, and I'll still have art and gym and rugby, and I'll still get to go outside during lunch.

So, here's to seeing what tomorrow brings.
Liz
xoxoxoxoox

Ps, I wore sunscreen today! My burn from yesterday is almost non-existent! WHOOOO!!!!!!

Hey, Mr. Sun! It’s me, Liz, remember? It’s been a while since I’ve seen your smiling face.

It’s great to see you, Mr. Sun. It’s been too, too long. I was almost starting to believe that you were going to stay hidden behind the clouds forever.

Today was pretty close to perfect, which is something that doesn't happen very often. I would say it was completely perfect, but my hair kept flying into my face from the wind, so I had to knock off a couple points.

I went to my boyfriend’s house today, but we were never really in his house. First we went to the park and we sat on the swings for a while, just talking about nothing and everything. Then we went for a walk, before laying on the ground on a hill with your smiling face keeping us warm for hours. There weren’t any clouds out so we couldn’t look at them, but I can only think of one word to describe today, and that word is bliss.

So, I have fantastic news. I found my yellow Fall Out Boy shirt yesterday. I HAVE NOT SEEN IT SINCE LAST JUNE! So, here's the story:
It was really hot yesterday, and I had just gotten home from rugby tryouts, and I still had an electric blanket under my sheets from the winter. So I was all "okayyyyy, I'ma take it off, yo". And as I lifted my two matresses apart, I saw it. Sitting there, looking quite majestic, was my bright yellow Honda Civic Tour t-shirt. It was amazing. I cried when I found out I lost it last summer, and I've been ripping apart my house on a regular basis since then.
When I pulled it on, it was wonderful, and like hugging an old friend. I am wearing it as I type this. The orange and blue polka dots are smiling up at me, and I am smiling back.

My heating blanket is still on my bed. It lays there, forgotten. I probably won't remember to take it off for another six months.

Love you baby maybe?
Liz
xoxoxoxooxoxooxox

I'm not dead! I can't believe it, can you? Yesterday and today in rugby tryouts were just running, which is one of the things I do best. I actually lead the runs both days, so I might have an average chance of making this team. They promised that they would start pounding us into the ground later this week, and they'll continue onto next week.

Fun, fun, fun.........

On that note, I'm going to sleep. It's only 9:53, but I am exhausted, and I still need to fine-tune a few lyrics before bed for my friend Sam's/my band thingy. We don't have anything recorded yet, but we're getting there.

Love Liz
xoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxox

Ps, HAPPY APRIL 8TH!!!!!!!!!!!

This might possibly be the last time I get to write a journal. I'm probably going to die tomorrow. How will I die, might you ask?

Rubgy.

I am trying out for our girl's varsity team. I am scared, but I'm going to do it anyway.

My mom's freaking too. She just read about how my high school is not responsible for my death or potential maiming. Also, she says if I get my teeth knocked out, she won't buy me new ones because she just spent $5000 on the ones I have.

Great. Just Great.

So, my dear, darling, Buzznet, if I never see you again, know that I love you, and I'll miss you after I'm gone.

Liz
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (times infinity)

I find she needs them more than she needs me, as the crushed azure tablets find their way down her throat, sparkling and weaving lazily throughout the weeks that have passed. The powder needs no assurance, it has already brought a devastating victory, claiming her nightmares with intangible caresses. It will be night, and as the dark butterflies of epiphany flutter and scream, she is there, and her restless eyes further blackball my blossoming awareness.

Her lithe frame is wracked with convulsions and witch curses.

Wasn't it because of this? Because of these spells, the dark throes that crept past her afterthoughts in the days before the hells. Her salvation was much like Snow White's dearest poison apple in reality as the remains clung to her throat. There was no reprieve as promised, only the demons coming in different forms and swirling with new cruelty, admonishing and imposing on her dwindling state of mind. The crystals were fairies to her. I could never know.

Her eyes flutter into the back of her head as the paroxysm sustains, determined to finally claim her.

It was to be. There was a revolution between us both, a jolt of electric metamorphosis: sudden and permanent. To turn back would be to know no bounds, and weep in utter sorrow at what she has done, what the medication has done, what I have done. It glimmers like a dull malevolent fantasy, dancing in the back of our minds. Yet I do not regret, and as the erratic twitching and the sounds of glass shattering comes to efflorescence, my mind is clear as an autumn night. It is too late to regret.

She stills, her delicate hand falling to her side as her life flows away.

And now, like nothing more than shattered remnants of a short lived dream, she is gone. The rusted cage of her secret addictions was that of a worn book to me; open by its own compromises and the slight rustle of a wary breeze. And though I knew of her loss of reason, I still resolved to drive her to the limit, the ultimate point on the edge of the cliff. The bottle, bottle of toxins and poisons and venom; the bottle of her desires which claimed victory over us both; the bottle that I have taken from her. Her eyes always drew me in, they even draw me in now in their lifeless state, their tainted languid stares. I tell myself she is in slumber, she is waiting for me without inhibition under a blanket of sparkles and freedom as I hold the forsaken package in my tired hands. I have saved her from her  bereavement, and even now I mean to never let her alone. How ironic then, that my means to do so involves the ingestion of the demons ever seeking to take her life?        

Her corpse rests on the floor with so many broken paraphernalia, fair skin fading to an even lighter shade. 

As tablet after tablet passes through my lips, i grind the beryl substance between my teeth, the taste is forbidden and bitter; unpleasant, yet I do this to make it ever more memorable. Like so much cerulean and sapphire powder, the valium drags and weaves down my esophagus at the same time. Is it possible to become satiated on naught but abused medication? I feel like I am full, as my half lidded eyes crawl to the bottle once in my grasp, empty and now on the floor as if some frames were lost in translation. Everything is slowing now, it must happen soon or I'll be too late. If I cannot see my Snow White, what is the use of death? If only times were different, if only i could feel her again.

She is laying close to him, and he loses the battle of life as if she is sucking out his entity. He stills.

If only it was nothing at all.

The entire concept of today is inspiring. The letter I wrote to The Weather Man seems to have worked. It's sunny out. It's even a little warm, at least enough that we could just wear thin sweaters instead of heavy winter jackets. If we're lucky, it might even last until tomorrow.

Let's reinvent love and do something with it.

Now, for your own personal enjoyment:

I love you,
Liz
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dear Buzznet,
So, it is once again time for me to sign off and go to sleep. I have had a nice day today, and I hope you have too. I hope you have a good day until I see you tomorrow. I hope that wherever you are, it's sunny and bright, unless of course you enjoy the rain and the dark. But still, I hope you like your days as much as I like mine.
I love you,
-Liz
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Welcome to my phone calls at 6:00 in the morning.

Me: Hello
Melissa: Liz!
Me: yeah
Melissa: Liz?
Me: Yeah.

Melissa: Oh its Melissa
Me: Hey
Melissa: Umm Lyn-Z is pregnant
Me: What?
Melissa: Lyn-Z is pregnant
Me: Holy shit!
Melissa: Yeah and the worst part is Gerard is leaving the band to look after the baby.
Me: *silence*
Melissa: They're finishing the album and then thats it he leaves to look after the baby.
Me: WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?
Melissa: Yo Alex, when did it happen?
Alex(in background): yesterday
Melissa: Yesterday
Me: Oh my god.
Melissa: Hold on, I'll put Alex on and she can read the article to you
Me: okay
Alex: hey Liz
Me: Yeah
Alex: It's April fools day...
Me: YOU BITCHES!
Alex: *Laughs*

Fucking April Fools day....... The stranger thing is, what were they doing awake at 6 in the morning?

I have so much to do. Odds are, this will only be useful to me. You can stop reading, hit the "Back" button, whatever.

Sketches:
newageamazon(In progress)
tryingtofindthewords(FIX LEFT EYE!!!!!!!)
xblankface(Remember to attack her to get a picture where she's smiling and looking at the camera. No making faces!)
gilliebean(finish during math tomorrow)
jenrrray(start SOON)

-Write science assignment. Hand it in on time.(not likely)
-Do math homework, including the homework you haven't done everyday for the past month.(Also not likely)
-Do Egyptian press for art. Don't cut your finger with the carving knife again, stupid. That hurt, remember? Don't repeat it.
-Stop talking to yourself
-Listen to Chase the Light 7472087883427 times. Again.
-Repeat the previous task with Pretty. Odd..
-Write a fun letter to the weather man on channel 7. I think his name is Frank, or something. Ask for him to forecast pure sun until October.
-Honestly, stop talking to yourself.